Ever wonder how every action and non action of ours is dependent on somebody else who even might not be even remotely connected to us.
Somewhere there is this invisible string which is connecting all the souls, close and far, and how we all are connected and we are influential in each others lives.
How the life of others, known or unknown are so deeply connected to our destiny we are not even aware of it.
Like someone else at some point of time did something and hence my action or non action was decided. Always.
More i think about it i get evidences.

And that gives birth to relationships. How we all are related. Even if you dont have a family, you are related. Even of you are alone, you are related. And that is not by our choice, is not in our hands or rather we are even unaware to whom we are related to till what point of time.

From our part, all we can do is be truthful and genuine to ourselves.
That is it.
Period.
And when your mind is covered with the clouds of doubt, know that your goodness will come for rescue someday.

After a long long time i am feeling lighter, steadier and peaceful. It is a feeling of surety. 

Life again came and assured me that goodness of heart finally wins, sooner or later. 

The sky above me is getting clearer. I can see the tinge of blue... And i am smiling.
Goodness... I trust you.

Now this one was a conscious decision to spend time at home.

It has been 4 days that i have been staying alone in the house after Ma and Baba left.
I finish work and head straight back home.
At times i am cancelling plans to be able to head home and spend some time with myself, my home.

The bedroom is the room of solace.
The big wide window opens to this small bit of forest (in my head) which keeps changing it's color everyday. Orange with flowers or green with the fresh leaves, also sometimes grey with some dry ones.
So far i am in the practice of understanding the fact that i am alone, yet again and this is my reality.
I didn't see it coming, not that even if i saw it coming i could have helped much.
But now that it is here let me fully acknowledge it with my mind and heart.

The best part of the house is it's walls and the floors. They are all white. I feel good about it. It gives such a peaceful energy that actually at times i take a tour around the rooms and feel the whiteness. It does something to the mind. It matches perfectly with the silence that surrounds me most of the time these days.

I have been somewhat loving this silence. The mind was buzzing with noises, opinions, worries, pressures, unhappiness and all of that. I haven't yet visualized myself with many people in this house. At least for sometime i think i am gonna be a little selfish and do whatever i feel like doing and only do things for myself.

Won't lie, i get scared sometimes. Fear grips me middle of the night and i start thinking what if something happens to me and i cant work, how am i going to survive or if i am in trouble whom should i call...
Good that they came and hence gave birth to new rules. New rules of staying alone.

1. The mobile phone cannot be kept uncharged AT ALL. Meaning not even for a minute. Sometimes i do delay charging phone due to lack of plug points within the reach or plug points occupied. But no, this has to be a rule. Phone should always be charged.
2. Medical insurance papers to be carried in my purse.
3. Whom to call during trouble and his/her number to be in the first numbers on my phone list.
4. Last and most important and kind of sums all up. Following the discipline of the daily life. This is the toughest because it is easiest to break and no one is there to check on me anymore. Eat and Exercise correctly and do it on Time. Period! This one actually takes care of most of all the little insecurities of the mind. Its a big job and i think i am actually busy most of the time trying to set it for myself and get into the system. Still have not got into doing it correctly so far. But i am working at it.

The other day while explaining to my mother i realized it more. I don't know what all i was preoccupied with so far. And i am hugely responsible for this. I have never loved myself. I have never looked after myself, never paid attention to my body or nurtured my mind. Never realized that loving and looking after yourself also requires a minimum amount of discipline and that is the basis of life. That discipline of the daily life is the basis of spirituality.
What's the point of reading so many books or practicing good thoughts or trying to understand the true meaning of life's journey or talk about spirituality when my own body and mind are not in sync.

And here now i have all the time of my life, no diversions, no distractions. Life has given me a chance to look after myself, foster my mind and take care of my body. Only 34 years has gone by... Much of this lifetime's journey is left.



"It is very rare or almost impossible that an event can be negative from all points of view." ~ Dalai Lama

Opening the door with the keys and stepped into my new world. Around 10 pm and the feeling in my mind is the night is about to start. Why the night, my whole life is about to start now onwards. Staying alone...


Ever wondered how the universe keeps all of us busy with it's random changes? Before you finally settle into one state and you are just about to be comfortable with it, it changes. Broom!


Till i got married i never felt the existence of staying alone, though i stayed alone for almost 8 years. At the back of my head there was a small possibility of spending a life with someone else, considering the normal demands of life. Not that i was sure about it but neither this thought let me think that the my whole life is going to be spent all by myself.


Last night when i walked into my small white walled 2 room flat, i felt this old nostalgic feeling that actually there is no one who's gonna be around to see or know where i am and what i am up to. And now this arrangement is going to be for life... at least for now, so it looks like...


The feeling is still sinking in and the mind is yet to be fully aware of this state. It will, with time.


The thoughts actually flowed like a smooth zoom out shot where it started from the thought that i am alone in this room and outside the bedroom door there is nobody there. Zoomed out from the room to the building to andheri west and gradually to the whole emptiness of the universe. There is nobody there and there wont be anybody.


My reality at this point of time is myself alone in this room which is somewhere in the middle of an infinite space. And this is it.


Just a thought. And that thought somehow made be a little settled in my head. I see a ray of white light coming through my window and lighting up my room. This is my only reality, right now. I will live in this.






"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. " Ellen Burstyn

High tide and low tide..

Well, after a long time a much deserved break in my head...
The mother of gods project has been settling a little bit and things are a little less chaotic than before. It is a good feeling or am i thinking it is going to be good... I don't know honestly.

Yesterday at home i was feeling like i am in the middle of a household, a normal household with mom shouting " fix the cylinder, the food is half cooked" and Dad happily playing the harmonium and singing. It felt like home. After a long time. Today i know i will be going back home to Ma and baba, they are waiting for me. It is such a good feeling i didn't know till i started missing it. And after knowing that this is not going to be forever... And now there will be nobody waiting for me at home.

Life will go on and we will all settle with what's available to us and be happy with it. We all do that eventually. Don't we? Shouting and screaming and crying all in vain. Nothing is in your control. You feel like a puppet at times where some invisible hands are controlling the imaginary strings and making you dance.

What's next now?