another new year and a new day..

Another year coming to an end and my search continues.
Knowing yourself is something that will go on forever. At least for a soul like me who was so far away from reality till few years back. But what has changed, if i try and analyse, i come to an idea which is also pretty new for me.
Since past few years, like many other evolved souls i heard it from Swami Sadhanananda also, "stop reading" :) And though i also counter that in my head that all of us have our share of reading and then internalizing and then the next stage and the next stage... (whatever the stages are. I really don't know.) I am just going wherever my life is taking me. May be my time to stop reading will also come.
But meanwhile what has happened is, in the practice of being mindful about life in general what the Virgo mind has done is, made life very serious. The mind which has now started questioning has lost the ability to experience the mystical space and the small trips the mind used to make to the unknown. The fleeting moments of being in the timeless space and encounter some spaces in dreams are seemingly decreasing.
Again, may be this also a way to live which i had to experience. Lot of people live a life like this, which i was unaware of. So be it.
Every story has to end.
For someone like me who lives a day at a time, every day comes to an end.


So... here is a toast... to the new tomorrow. 

People come and people go in our lives.  
Some stay for a long time and make a slow and steady impact on you. 
Some of them comes for a short while and make the most poignant stopover and leave. 
Some of them, either long or short visits, remains apathetic to the happenings of your life. 
Though i strongly believe, nobody is inconsequential. 
Everyone has a story to tell and in each of them there lies a lesson for you.   
Its for you to be aware of. 
Are you?  

I think most of us write when we are sad, as when you are sad all you ever do is ask yourself "why". You don't ask "why" when there is happiness around. Writing in sadness is almost like putting things in record what made you sad and venting it out. Well that's what at least i did. I don't remember exactly when and how, little by little i had found the ground below my feet and thereafter the little patch of sky to fly again. The first dash of fresh air was the ashram visit where the process of bringing in the new me had started. But won't say it was executed with an immediate effect. As they said, time is the answer to everything. I was just hanging in there. In fact there in i got into the habit of hanging in, comfortably. 

The surgery was the big one in the way of learning. There was fear, i mean physical fear of being cut. The spinal injection that scared the shit out of me was dangling every night in front of my closed eyes. I used to wake up with the dream that they are cutting the flesh of my skin and i can totally feel it as the anesthesia is not working on me. But i am trembling with the pain induced by the spinal injection. Then came the fear of finance, lack of enough money to get the surgery done, then came the fear of being alone during the surgery, fear of being senseless for the first time etc etc.. fear has no end, trust me. 

I felt no pain with the spinal injection, the doctor, his team and the world of medicine, i trusted them all. And there were room full of people, my family which is made of my lovely friends,my mother and sleep. I must not have slept so dearly ever in my life. Those 2 nights in the clinic was awesome. 

The  surgery happened and something had happened within me. Something had gone out from my system. Of course the dead tissue which was bothering my knee, but along with something more had gone and that was replaced by confidence and courage. Both mental and physical. I have still not gathered what happened actually. All i ever did during those times was trust in the fact that, this was a learning and all that's happening around me was for a reason. The reason was superb! What it made out of me was super indeed. 

Fear. It is the biggest roadblock to any kind of growth. They say it all boils down to the fear of death. Even if it is the silliest of fear like having stage fright, it is fear of death. Stage fright... I will fumble and stutter... people will think i am dumb... no one will love me... i will be alone... i wont be able to survive for myself... i wont get work.. i will die of starvation. I am not just rambling. Just put this idea to any fear of you have. It is eventually fear of death. Really, it is THAT easy. Just keep asking yourself "so what if". See where it leads you to. 

The day you overcome even an ounce of fear you have within you, even if it is one among the hundred fears you have, you will take a step towards growth. Towards the real you. The idea is to bring out the different kinds of fear that you have in yourself. Some you are aware of and some you are not. Can you imagine, you are behaving in a certain way or you have some strong belief in something which might be really off the track and you don't know it might be a result of a deep fear of something you don't even know you have. While on the other hand, letting go of fear is such a addictive game after a point. Yes, after a point, when you have actually seen the result, seen how it feels to be fearless, felt the strength in your nerves, veins, brain cells and energies, felt that whatever comes along, you'll handle it and not breakdown. And if the obstacles are still there, it means the learning has not come to an end and bow down to the energies gracefully. 

Krishnamurti, one of my favorite philosopher and teacher (He teaches me through his wisdom in form of videos and text till now, everyday), said something about fear which i feel like sharing here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AM_xR9JFYuU

13th June, 2:40 pm.

Sitting in the slab beside the small pond. Such a small quaint place... beautiful. It is called Nirkaya Sthanam. Noone is allowed to click pictures here, so i am sorry, even if i would love to share the space with you, i can't. May be there is a special logic to why this restriction... People outside the ashram or people who have not been to this place at all may not relate to what i am talking about. I totally get that.

Clouds passing by bringing small installments of rain. In couple of mins the sun will come out from behind the dark clouds. In front of me the Velangiri hills covered with clouds. little dark, considering it is an afternoon. Far off i see some people busy with some construction work... a lady walking along the feild, a small water snake passes by me playfully in the pond... some small kids from the Isha Vidhya school cheers by on their cycles...

But no sound, is anyone speaking? No... or i cant hear? or is it such a peaceful silence that i cant hear what they speak.. no one speaks... no one speaks if not required... That's learning number one...

The hills are quiet, there is a calmness in the blow of wind, all the faces are composed and quiet. But yes, they glow up with a warm bonding smile when required.

It has been 2 days now.
Day 1 was nice. Walked around the temples most of the time, sat at the Dhyanalinga, at the Nirkaya Sthanam,  sat and cried, sometimes in sadness, sometimes without knowing why. Looking at the vast calmness in front of me made me cry. Or may be all the hurt that has been accumulating in the heart is coming out finally in ONE last go. Hopefully.

Day 2 was a little different. Did the same things throughout the day, roamed around, cried, stared and smiled. After the usual volunteering work went to eat something at the canteen.

It started from a time when i was sitting at the canteen. It was a sunday and there were lot of visitors at Dhyanalinga. There were many couples, families, some mother feeding her child, some father buying food for his gang, some daughter holding hands of her parents... and it was overwhelming to see so much attachment all around me. Families, relatives, friends, loved ones... It was lovely...
Saw a beautiful tamil couple in their wedding clothes who came to take blessings at the Dhyanalinga. It brought a smile on my face and i didn't stop it. I was actually looking at all and enjoying.

The moment i started walking away from the canteen, more away i was from all those merrymaking, more alone i felt. I felt i had no body in this whole world and i don't have a family. There is no one who is waiting for me in this city called bombay which i call my home. Remembered mother's face. A sudden feeling of sadness gripped me and i kept walking looking down at the path. Just kept looking at my feet which are moving forward and had an urge to run back to mother. As if at that point of time someone came and reminded, family, bonds, attachments and maya... that's all there is. Nothing else. Run away suro..

Came back straight to my room. Sat for sometime, as i knew that's something i definitely don't want to do and  hence i need to throw that thought away. Felt horrible inside. Then did the strangest thing, which i never did before. Wrote down a list of things which is hate in myself. It all kind of came out in one go... some 39 points with 10 repetitions. Wow !! Well done, suromita.

Now the hills are fully covered with the white clouds. The rain is becoming a little heavy now. Let's see if i can sail through this rain or i need to run back to my room. But i wont stop writing till i have to run.

So back to my story... After i finished writing my list of things that i hate in myself, i felt extremely restless and i walked out of the room. I kept walking without any sense of direction and discovered this place for the first time. It was 3 pm and i sat here till 6:30 till it was dark and did the evening sadhana here. That 3 and half hours all i did was blanking out at the Vellangiris, clouds coming and going and crying in installments, again without knowing any definite reason. Oh the rain is really bad... i will stop writing for sometime. 2:55 pm.

2:59 pm, Ok... The idea was to cry and cry so much that the burden of sadness that's been created in this last few months will be gone and a new suro can take shape without any negativity, no conditioning of good and bad and have only empty innocence. That was not the agenda prepared before coming but became one in last 2 days... To become the new me... was the agenda now...

The sky... the calming wind... the beautiful hills... and the heart... all at peace... all are here..

Where are you going?

It is so amazing how your mind and soul responds to the rains. The mind reminds you to carry raincoat, umbrella, be ready and the soul wants to get wet, get madly drenched and laugh and cry in the rains.

The first day it rained in my city, i stood for auto for 4o mins with a smile on my face.
There is some kind of romance you feel with the rains. You are alone but you feel romantic, you don't need anyone, you just feel complete. I never thought i am capable of feeling romantic in the middle of the road at the Chakala signal surrounded by traffic.
Rain does that to you.

Have been occupied in creating the world, the new world, the world of my own.
Gopi said, "you are gonna change as a human being, suro?".
And i smile...
Wanting to change my lifestyle is already being in the process of the change. I have put a routine around my life. So far have been able to follow it. For someone like me it is a deal. Cos the rules did not know me till 6 months back.

Have been smiling without reason these days.
Will be leaving for the ashram day after.
The mind is tricking me with thoughts like, will the knee be ok, staying safely in the dorm, sleeping on the floor, walking to the mandirs, heat, rain, etc etc.
Somehow im ready these days. All the time. For what, i don't know.
It's like the rainy days.
I always leave the house prepared with the raincoat, extra pair of clothes, umbrella and food and gym bag.
Feels like the soul is also ready for the worst, all the time.
What is the next resistance coming up... how much more is left...

I am looking forward to it. To visit the new me and the new world and the new resistance :)
Bring it on...

Ever wonder how every action and non action of ours is dependent on somebody else who even might not be even remotely connected to us.
Somewhere there is this invisible string which is connecting all the souls, close and far, and how we all are connected and we are influential in each others lives.
How the life of others, known or unknown are so deeply connected to our destiny we are not even aware of it.
Like someone else at some point of time did something and hence my action or non action was decided. Always.
More i think about it i get evidences.

And that gives birth to relationships. How we all are related. Even if you dont have a family, you are related. Even of you are alone, you are related. And that is not by our choice, is not in our hands or rather we are even unaware to whom we are related to till what point of time.

From our part, all we can do is be truthful and genuine to ourselves.
That is it.
Period.
And when your mind is covered with the clouds of doubt, know that your goodness will come for rescue someday.

After a long long time i am feeling lighter, steadier and peaceful. It is a feeling of surety. 

Life again came and assured me that goodness of heart finally wins, sooner or later. 

The sky above me is getting clearer. I can see the tinge of blue... And i am smiling.
Goodness... I trust you.

Now this one was a conscious decision to spend time at home.

It has been 4 days that i have been staying alone in the house after Ma and Baba left.
I finish work and head straight back home.
At times i am cancelling plans to be able to head home and spend some time with myself, my home.

The bedroom is the room of solace.
The big wide window opens to this small bit of forest (in my head) which keeps changing it's color everyday. Orange with flowers or green with the fresh leaves, also sometimes grey with some dry ones.
So far i am in the practice of understanding the fact that i am alone, yet again and this is my reality.
I didn't see it coming, not that even if i saw it coming i could have helped much.
But now that it is here let me fully acknowledge it with my mind and heart.

The best part of the house is it's walls and the floors. They are all white. I feel good about it. It gives such a peaceful energy that actually at times i take a tour around the rooms and feel the whiteness. It does something to the mind. It matches perfectly with the silence that surrounds me most of the time these days.

I have been somewhat loving this silence. The mind was buzzing with noises, opinions, worries, pressures, unhappiness and all of that. I haven't yet visualized myself with many people in this house. At least for sometime i think i am gonna be a little selfish and do whatever i feel like doing and only do things for myself.

Won't lie, i get scared sometimes. Fear grips me middle of the night and i start thinking what if something happens to me and i cant work, how am i going to survive or if i am in trouble whom should i call...
Good that they came and hence gave birth to new rules. New rules of staying alone.

1. The mobile phone cannot be kept uncharged AT ALL. Meaning not even for a minute. Sometimes i do delay charging phone due to lack of plug points within the reach or plug points occupied. But no, this has to be a rule. Phone should always be charged.
2. Medical insurance papers to be carried in my purse.
3. Whom to call during trouble and his/her number to be in the first numbers on my phone list.
4. Last and most important and kind of sums all up. Following the discipline of the daily life. This is the toughest because it is easiest to break and no one is there to check on me anymore. Eat and Exercise correctly and do it on Time. Period! This one actually takes care of most of all the little insecurities of the mind. Its a big job and i think i am actually busy most of the time trying to set it for myself and get into the system. Still have not got into doing it correctly so far. But i am working at it.

The other day while explaining to my mother i realized it more. I don't know what all i was preoccupied with so far. And i am hugely responsible for this. I have never loved myself. I have never looked after myself, never paid attention to my body or nurtured my mind. Never realized that loving and looking after yourself also requires a minimum amount of discipline and that is the basis of life. That discipline of the daily life is the basis of spirituality.
What's the point of reading so many books or practicing good thoughts or trying to understand the true meaning of life's journey or talk about spirituality when my own body and mind are not in sync.

And here now i have all the time of my life, no diversions, no distractions. Life has given me a chance to look after myself, foster my mind and take care of my body. Only 34 years has gone by... Much of this lifetime's journey is left.



"It is very rare or almost impossible that an event can be negative from all points of view." ~ Dalai Lama

Opening the door with the keys and stepped into my new world. Around 10 pm and the feeling in my mind is the night is about to start. Why the night, my whole life is about to start now onwards. Staying alone...


Ever wondered how the universe keeps all of us busy with it's random changes? Before you finally settle into one state and you are just about to be comfortable with it, it changes. Broom!


Till i got married i never felt the existence of staying alone, though i stayed alone for almost 8 years. At the back of my head there was a small possibility of spending a life with someone else, considering the normal demands of life. Not that i was sure about it but neither this thought let me think that the my whole life is going to be spent all by myself.


Last night when i walked into my small white walled 2 room flat, i felt this old nostalgic feeling that actually there is no one who's gonna be around to see or know where i am and what i am up to. And now this arrangement is going to be for life... at least for now, so it looks like...


The feeling is still sinking in and the mind is yet to be fully aware of this state. It will, with time.


The thoughts actually flowed like a smooth zoom out shot where it started from the thought that i am alone in this room and outside the bedroom door there is nobody there. Zoomed out from the room to the building to andheri west and gradually to the whole emptiness of the universe. There is nobody there and there wont be anybody.


My reality at this point of time is myself alone in this room which is somewhere in the middle of an infinite space. And this is it.


Just a thought. And that thought somehow made be a little settled in my head. I see a ray of white light coming through my window and lighting up my room. This is my only reality, right now. I will live in this.






"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. " Ellen Burstyn

High tide and low tide..

Well, after a long time a much deserved break in my head...
The mother of gods project has been settling a little bit and things are a little less chaotic than before. It is a good feeling or am i thinking it is going to be good... I don't know honestly.

Yesterday at home i was feeling like i am in the middle of a household, a normal household with mom shouting " fix the cylinder, the food is half cooked" and Dad happily playing the harmonium and singing. It felt like home. After a long time. Today i know i will be going back home to Ma and baba, they are waiting for me. It is such a good feeling i didn't know till i started missing it. And after knowing that this is not going to be forever... And now there will be nobody waiting for me at home.

Life will go on and we will all settle with what's available to us and be happy with it. We all do that eventually. Don't we? Shouting and screaming and crying all in vain. Nothing is in your control. You feel like a puppet at times where some invisible hands are controlling the imaginary strings and making you dance.

What's next now?

Is the sky a little quieter today?

I feel a comforting stillness in the air and the sky looks calmer. Is it all in my head or is it really like that?

Last 2 days with ma has been a little draining. I know there has to be an outlet for her also. So we both have been either talking and ranting over the same things for the 100th number of times or we both are quietly looking at the wide patch of sky from our bedroom window.

This has to stop. There has to be change. A good change. A fun change.

Fun, happiness, peace, as if i have forgotten how to feel them. It is like how it feels when you are trying to sing after a long time without practicing. When there is a little touch of calmness my mind wonders, is it really? or something big is coming up. But why am i forgetting, life can be this, actually calm at some point of time. And life can be fun, happy.

These days i feel as if i have a disease. Since October i am reeling under this disease. Almost like it is contagious and i am left alone in this small room in my mind.

Rest of the world outside this room looks normal, only in this room something has changed, something has stopped... As if i cant be normal, cant smile, pretend to smile, given an option i will keep sitting in this dark room forever.

This has to change and i have to change it. I have to.

Energies.... Come to me...