August, left. And never came back...

August is the not the month to travel, once you leave you can’t come back home. My grandmother use to say. Don’t know the story quite well, but I guess it was about some saint who made a long trip but never came back… or something else. But I was never allowed to make flight tickets for mom on the 1st of august. I was never allowed to make travel plans for myself in the month of August. Whatever goes in august never comes back. As a child I used to wonder, what exactly happens to the people who never come back. Where do they go?
Some space between life and death? Some place which is beyond the understanding of the logical mind. I found it very intriguing then.

This august i wanted to get rid of something in me.

Which is that one thing in me I want to go and never want it to come back?

I let it go… I let it go…

This august, I let go of my ego....

Me and Bhavaspandana

It been almost a month now that i am back from Isha yoga centre. Still when i sit for my shoonya meditaiton, as i close my eyes i actually have the same feeling when i used to sit in the spandan hall, with reverbs of people talking softly, the reverbs of almost 200 people breathing, sometimes a cry from the throat, comfortably coming out of mere good practices, the hymns, the smell of the agarbatti, the soft noises of the footsteps.... and sometimes i even feel someone coming close to me and whisperng in my ears, "15 mins is over".I cant reason this fact at times why i feel that i have left my home, and how immensely i am missing my home. The food, the ground below my feet, the air that touched my face are all so comforting as if they belong to me and i belong to them. I look at people, i feel so much love for them. At times i feel like going and giving a tight hug and look at them peacefully with love. But i know if i do this to vaishali she might think i have gone mad.
I have heard ... Priorities changes... Yes, for me i can say... my way of looking at life has changed. I have become ok with everything, everyone, every place, every situation. If there is the minimal availability of needs, i can live my life. I have to earn my bread and clothes.Being ok within myself, being ok with the inner self, being ok with the world. But it doesnt mean that i wont react to something which is causing trouble to my friends or family.I respect others and i am ok if they dont respect me but im not ok if they disrespect me.I think goodness or wisdom is something which comes from practice. The understanding has to come from within but the practice keeps a human being rooted.well, whatever my understanding of life is, after Bhavaspandana, i am having a great time.I am at the top of the world. I always wished for a life without complications, actually complications are all in the head. I wish everyone in this world, every person i look around myself should be living a life like this. Should be having a great time like me.... Thank you Sadhguru.

Small things in life

woke up in the morning with a little headache... not enough sleep i guess. was wondering where am i today... there was a time when i first came to bombay, when i waited for a day where i will not get any time to think in the morning. I will be busy........ then there was a time when i desperately needed sleep and some space for myself. would wake up in the morning and look around and feel so peaceful inside thinking i wont have to go anywhere today...
then there was the other day when i was... not scared but was thinking, will i be able to get back to this 9 to 5 schedule every day?
and there is today... i wake up early morning, even if i sleep at 1, take a bath, get dressed, direct my cook what to cook and come to office.
i am happy. nothing to complain about.. these are small things in life.
one of my friend just told me, what are you doing in a advertising agency? there is no prospect for you..
what prospect do they talk about? why are we all running after prospects? what is that we all are running after? why dont i get it? i want to become a human being with the biggest job? NO. i want to become human being with the biggest heart... longest hand to help... widest mind to accept everything around me.... calmest head to put a smile on other's face. and i am working towards it...

sleep well

i met him first with keya at the usl studios. he looked very lost on the first day i saw him... and now that he was lost he care not to find out his way and gives a ***k to life. one of those faces who will give you so much of unrest within yourself just looking at him. noone... noone can get a good vibe from him. he wore all those weird chains and earings and bands in his hand. he was flying on his dope that time and never i saw him at his normal state. i really dont know how he was in a normal state.
but i dont know why we were friends. didnt know any of his gang but only meet him at times when i am free during the day and chat about life... his life mostly... my life.. i didnt find any reason to discuss with him. i read his palm and was not shocked at all to find out a very small life line. he didnt have parents, used to live with his grandmother who would never let him get into her house when he used to drink and dope, and which was almost everyday.
a production asst by profession he had friends and well wisher to help him get work. he was working and doing good... there were good and bad days...
then there was a day i came to know he was terribly unwell.
then there was a day he was taken to rehab centre...
then there was a day we came to know he was hiv +...
then there was days when we used to meet when i would try to make him understand, trying to understand him...
then there was a day he said how much he loved me and how helpless and hopeless he feels about it..
then there were days we used to sit and not talk for hours...
then there was a day when i left for kolkata for my wedding...
it was before i left.. i met him last... almost after a year...
he had a bottle of beer in his hand and was lost as ever. he had got lot of work... he said he wanted to buy a red merc... a house in byculla becos grandmama loves that place.. marry a good girl who will take care of him and his family... but all these talks were after 2 joints and three beers.. which i was very sure..
i lied to him that i had to go for an edit and i left... i and i saw him for the last time....
and there was today... when i meet raju, my location manager after 2 years, who also works with him... after i came back after my wedding i called him twice and his phone said temporarily disconnected.. so after asking raju about where he was raju said...
naveen to expire ho gaya na? aapko nehi pata?
i remember i used to ask him... when do you sleep? you are always here at usl? even u dont go home at night? when do yo u sleep?
i remembered his smile...
sleep well... my friend...

right & right

well... again ... back to wondering, after a days hard work i am back to my favorite pastime, wondering... is life about waiting for the right time and doing the right thing or its about doing the right thing when you want to do it. i always thought it is the first bit. when all these years i wanted to be a part of a feature film, in fact i came to mumbai,(then it was bombay) to do something in a feature film,,,, i guess half the population flocking to bombay thinks that. nothing happened... 7 years just passed like a dream and now as become almost a story to be published... so much of hard work and stupid work and time pass work... money,,, no money...
today when it looks like happening... any smaaallll... you know what i mean? a smallll part to play in a feature film? am i scared? am i lazy? am i nervous as i have been used to a very comfortable lifestyle? have i grown old? i don't know... but what i know is i must give it a try... friends like priti and anand, when they give the full assurance that.. dude.. u r doing fine.. abhi nehi to kab? .... i figure the energy in anand's voice, figure the positivity in priti's voice...
dont know if i will do a great job... but i will try... today i felt very very good... i made a budget.. and thats why this blog... i think this is the right time to do the right thing...

i wonder

here i am.... i am 31 and never ever tried blogging ever. it was only last year that i even came to know that something like this existed. i dont even know whether i should be ashamed of that. anyways... i am happy that i am here now on this page my own blog page going to post some trash that is coming in my head. and i know this is going to be good fun for me. though my english is not very good but i will still try writing as my mind never stops wondering...
i wonder about the solar system, the universe, the planets, our earth, india, kolkata, mumbai and now versova. wonder everything about these places. from the time i wake up in the morning to the time i am struggling to keep my eyes open. i wonder about everything in life.
and on some things i reach to an answer and on some i dont.
i am happy to write it all down here... for myself..
well... its 2 pm in the office and this is not what im paid to do... i will keep this short. and wait for the next available time to start writing... thoughts rushing in.. lots to write...