Is the sky a little quieter today?

I feel a comforting stillness in the air and the sky looks calmer. Is it all in my head or is it really like that?

Last 2 days with ma has been a little draining. I know there has to be an outlet for her also. So we both have been either talking and ranting over the same things for the 100th number of times or we both are quietly looking at the wide patch of sky from our bedroom window.

This has to stop. There has to be change. A good change. A fun change.

Fun, happiness, peace, as if i have forgotten how to feel them. It is like how it feels when you are trying to sing after a long time without practicing. When there is a little touch of calmness my mind wonders, is it really? or something big is coming up. But why am i forgetting, life can be this, actually calm at some point of time. And life can be fun, happy.

These days i feel as if i have a disease. Since October i am reeling under this disease. Almost like it is contagious and i am left alone in this small room in my mind.

Rest of the world outside this room looks normal, only in this room something has changed, something has stopped... As if i cant be normal, cant smile, pretend to smile, given an option i will keep sitting in this dark room forever.

This has to change and i have to change it. I have to.

Energies.... Come to me...

a toast to friendship

It was the usual long and boring production and creative meeting. All through i scribbled my home address in Kolkata, as usual. Very strangely whenever i scribble, i end up scribbling my address in Kolkata. 162/45 Lake Gardens. Did i really miss it? May be there is an explanation to that in my subconscious mind, i don't know. Do i miss the concept of home? I have had 10-11 homes in Delhi / Mumbai and Bangalore in last 11 years. May be i will keep scribbling this till the end of my life.

So thankfully came out of the meeting and was again called back to be presented with another mother-of-gods project. With international clients, meaning my nights are gonna turn into days keeping the days as they are. Totally gratified.

Came back to my desk post that and looked in to my notebook. In my head i have already started feeling restless, as if there were lots left to do and understand. In the middle of all this i found this written just a page after my stupid scribbling.

You are a wonderful woman, with a heart of an angel and the soul of a butterfly.
Roam free and let the world shine with color and happiness to see you burst through the doors of dilemma...

It is yours, suromita, the world.
It has your name imprinted on its every page.
You are here to participate in life and lif will eventually learn to understand our paths.

We have but one life, one heart and one chance.
Celebrate who you are suromita.
Celebrate your heart, your soul and mind.
Let yourself fly out into the world unafraid and beautiful, suromita, my butterfly...

Please let us know who you are...
we are a deprived world.

I knew instantly who it was. There are not many people in this world who think like this about me. And there is none in my office except my oldest friend in this city... Keya...

She said in her usual matter of fact way, she was killing time filling up the page as internet is slow as everyone is watching cricket.

I have heard a Nigerian proverb once... They say, hold your true friends with both your hands.

I don't know whether i ever did that or not, but i have a number of people in my life who hold me not only with both their hands but also with their heart...

This was Keya and one of her many ways to show her love for me. And the rest of you, you have all your own ways to let me know that you are there. Some show and some don’t.

I have been meaning to tell you all... Ayesha (Dipu), Bird (Prachi), Boga, Dhiman, Gopi (Kalyani), Keya, Loveena and Sanghamitra...

At this point of time life would have been dark and hard without you all. The way you guys make me feel is something i needed the most. Especially at this time when the mind was full of fear, doubts, darkness and despair.

Honestly, when I look forward to a good time in future, I see you guys there with me merrymaking on each other’s happiness. We will fight, cry and smile again. We have already done that with each other several times... haven't we? :)

Here is to all of you… To our friendship...

After almost 11 years of leaving home; see what I have got!!!

A family in my heart. My family... My friends...

"Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
Kahlil Gibran"

P.S - Hope no one reacts to the list of names. It is in alphabetical order and ones in brackets are the better halves who mean no less to me.

At the end, randomness doesn't need any explanation.

But really, sadness can come and grip you anytime!! really.
Suddenly amidst your controlled and still mind, some thought or some visual or sound or a phone call can inject a shot of sadness suddenly. Time span of that is same as the pain of an injection. A rush of tears and mind stops working and the miserable feeling for few secs and then gone. Something else takes over. The logical mind.

Enough... How long can you be this unhappy? Let it go. Time has come to move on to the next phase. This is a transition. Enjoy it. Bring back that smile on your face which used to come effortlessly looking at the rays of the sun from inside of the auto on your way to office.

Lightness... Come, embrace me...

life begins at 34

Today is the 5^th day in a row that I am looking for a house. 

Can you believe it, I haven’t come across a single house which meets my basic requirements and is within my budget. 

Yari road was never like this. Why is it suddenly behaving so unfriendly? 

This house is going to be really special to me. Cause I am going to start living the most significant time of my life. 

A new life at 34.

Someone told me, everything is designed for the growth of the soul. 

I don’t know if I have an option but to believe it. At least it sounds positive. 

These days my idea of reasons and coincidences and karma are all muddled up. 

At one point of time I used to sound confident about reasoning other people’s grief or situations. 

I don’t know where those inner voices have disappeared. 

It’s just blank. Every morning I wake up with this half hearted feeling of living the day. 

As if I am going to be spending the day with the small amount of energy left and I would wish for it to get over throughout the day. 

Why so much grief? 

Why is this sick feeling down the throat and a throbbing pain in the left side of the head? 

Do people fall sick in depression and being sad? 

Like physically sick?

your and mine...

Letter 1:

Now that you are gone, here I go with my sentimental journals on my love and my immediate family which consists with you you and only you... Was wondering the other day... It's amazing how much you can learn about someone you thought you already knew so well. I faced this just after I started spending my uninterrupted days with you post your short trips. I always thought marriage was a scary thing. Now when I look back I think it’s quite nice actually. I am responsible for another human being. One evening you put yourself into my hands. Even I gave myself to you... All this while I was one person who never got effected by people around me so much ...but now... you have the power to disappoint, hurt, frustrate and make me angry. Even I do have that power on you.. Which I will likely do repeatedly in our time together. I will stumble over myself, make mistakes and apologize. But you know this and you gave yourself to me just the same.

Then we kept on moving forward, learning, laughing and loving the whole way and we will...

Now we are learning to live a life shared and I love it!

Let’s flow with our lives... Knowing there will be bad days and then there will be good days and we will survive through every moment of hardship.

I know you are not in a good frame of mind. And I can at least try to imagine how difficult things can be for someone who has left his family, home, relatives, friends and the friendly surrounding and gone to some other country all alone and have to work on a profile not so enjoyable..

So here is a small step to bring a smile on your face... Much like the way you bring a smile on my face with the small sweet things you do for me...

Hold on to the faith you have on yourself... Life will be kind.

I love you...

Letter 2:

Attached is the a list of the miniscule number of furniture we had.
Have written our names which should go with whom. 
This seems fair to me. If you have any problem, let me know. 

I won’t be comfortable talking about this in person. 
Hence I mailed. 
Hope you are ok with it... 

Rows and rows of words, words of love, anger, affection, hurt… and time passes in its own speed of zen. These just reminds once again that they never do justice… words.

The different stages of Grief…

Do you know the word grief comes from the word grave? I didn’t, until today when I thought of writing about something, which has been in my mind predominantly for last 5 months.

I always thought grief is only an emotional response to any kind of failure.

But when it hit me, I realized it has many more dimensions to it. While coming back from office last night I was thinking in last 5 months I have gone through such different stages and mood swings that surprised me.

While reading about what people go through when they are in similar situation, I realized a BIG thing. I am not alone. Every soul in my kind of situation goes through this, in the same way, through the different stages. Until I read that, I seriously thought I was the only one in this world who’s going through this bizarre range of emotions. I remembered the dialogue in “P.S. I love you”, “thing to remember is if we are all alone, then we are all together in that too”. Though the film didn’t do much to me but this dialogue did the needful.

Coming back to the stages, to my surprise I found out there is something called a grief cycle which was introduced by Elisabeth Kubler Ross in one of her book in 1969. My god! None of us are any different from each other, are we?

The first reaction was denial. Yes it was. Is it really happening to me? It was just yesterday when everything was fine. A happy me, laughing at everything and anything and at times at nothing. I knew there were issues but the issues never took over the rest of my brains which was smiling all the time. I can’t help it, laughing is one of my thick habits. I knew there will be rainy days but I always thought I have stored enough laughter to sail through it. So there. In a fraction of a sec I saw my happy and secured life just slide through my hand and I kept looking at it in denial. Take it from me, crying, screaming, shouting doesn’t help. It just doesn’t. Not that I know what helps. And hence I was doing all those things which didn’t help. And yes, drink. Drink as if there is no tomorrow. There wasn’t actually.

Then came the phase of anger. Why me? What have I done to deserve this? I have never done anything wrong to anybody or hurt anyone with a conscious brain? Why me? Where did I go wrong? There was no answer from within. There was this heartfelt disgust for the soul who has put me into this trap and i just can’t break it and set free. Coz, it was not just my past 5 years which was scrutinized and criticized, it was 34 years of me, my values, my outlook and my identity that was questioned. Who gave you this right? Who are you?

3 months passed with these 2 killer emotions. I needed space. I needed to breathe. The suromita who mostly stays in the shadows told me. Look within, you will find an answer. There started introspection. Oh! I might not have been too attentive, I might have gone wrong there, I might have given more time in laughing and smiling that everything is fine rather than sticking to the issue and killing it till the time it stops moving. There you go… hence, bargaining started… ok, this is what I think went wrong from my part, what about you? Mind it, this state also throws you in the deep dark well of guilt. You might not be able to come out of it in days… and sometimes you see a little ray of sun cutting in the darkness.

May be this is a part which may result in some promising rewards. In my case, it didn’t. And hence followed the obvious, depression. Much in my misery came along a space to stay, which was once upon a time called home, which is away from familiarity, friends and fun. Not that having fun was any easier. Nothing worked. Heavy work pressure, drinking, not drinking, watching movies, listening to music, forceful laughter and half hearted chats with friends, nothing helped. Have you ever closed both your ears and heard the sound of that silence? It has an uninterrupted and bottomless effect to it. It sounds like something is burning somewhere. As if you are standing in front of a burning pyre with something in it. This time it was my soul. That sound stayed with me… still. It just refuses to go.

Past few days I have a new agreement in my head. Yes, here I am, catastrophe has set in. I have reacted with full heart, mind and body. My soul is bruised and tired and I have reached rock bottom. And that’s that. Now how worse can it get from here? It can only get better. Reactions will keep coming time and again; maybe even this is also a kind of reaction. The sound of the burning soul has also not left me. It comes back as moments of despair. It comes and attacks me at the weak moments. I have seen a pattern even there. Just after waking up in the mornings, just when the day’s work finishes and I shift gear from work to home, when I feel like touching base with my “family” which includes a breaking one…. I am attacked by despair, gloom and a feeling of several holes in my heart.

There are moments when I see my life reviving and taking off to the clear blue sky and rest there are days like this, when hopelessness grips and tears me apart.

Today I was a little at ease with myself thinking that I am being able to write about it and it almost feels like I am at the last stage. Though I am quite unsure how long this last stage is going to continue and what’s next after this…

Whatever there is in store for me, I have learnt the world doesn’t stop for you to grief. So one has to move on. But having said that, I remembered something I heard long time back and I truly believe in.

“There is no shame in holding on to grief as long you make room for other things too”.

Morning Songs...

Don't know which is the best song to listen to when you just wake up in the morning. No song came to my mind. Searched the word "morning" in my itunes library.

Morning has broken by Cat Stevens

Early morning rain by Eva Cassidy

Chelsea morning by Judy Collins

Wonderwall by Oasis

Matches no where with the thought i have woken up with. Past few days i have been waking up with this same thought. Just immediately after the mind comes in touch with the reality.

A question mark towards the coming mornings... how are they going to be? Is it going to be like this forever?

I will write random thoughts coming to my head. May be this will help as a writing practice.

Again i am back to Dhiman's song. " Cant remember your face". I have been listening to this song in loop since past 3 days. There is something about this song which connects me in a heart beat. That song is really at peace, secured... and life goes on...

Now Lagrima, andante...

Again this one also is very peaceful and secured...

What's with me?

It is just opposite to what is in my mind... in reasonable extent.

Someone care to suggest some morning songs?