another new year and a new day..

Another year coming to an end and my search continues.
Knowing yourself is something that will go on forever. At least for a soul like me who was so far away from reality till few years back. But what has changed, if i try and analyse, i come to an idea which is also pretty new for me.
Since past few years, like many other evolved souls i heard it from Swami Sadhanananda also, "stop reading" :) And though i also counter that in my head that all of us have our share of reading and then internalizing and then the next stage and the next stage... (whatever the stages are. I really don't know.) I am just going wherever my life is taking me. May be my time to stop reading will also come.
But meanwhile what has happened is, in the practice of being mindful about life in general what the Virgo mind has done is, made life very serious. The mind which has now started questioning has lost the ability to experience the mystical space and the small trips the mind used to make to the unknown. The fleeting moments of being in the timeless space and encounter some spaces in dreams are seemingly decreasing.
Again, may be this also a way to live which i had to experience. Lot of people live a life like this, which i was unaware of. So be it.
Every story has to end.
For someone like me who lives a day at a time, every day comes to an end.


So... here is a toast... to the new tomorrow. 

People come and people go in our lives.  
Some stay for a long time and make a slow and steady impact on you. 
Some of them comes for a short while and make the most poignant stopover and leave. 
Some of them, either long or short visits, remains apathetic to the happenings of your life. 
Though i strongly believe, nobody is inconsequential. 
Everyone has a story to tell and in each of them there lies a lesson for you.   
Its for you to be aware of. 
Are you?  

I think most of us write when we are sad, as when you are sad all you ever do is ask yourself "why". You don't ask "why" when there is happiness around. Writing in sadness is almost like putting things in record what made you sad and venting it out. Well that's what at least i did. I don't remember exactly when and how, little by little i had found the ground below my feet and thereafter the little patch of sky to fly again. The first dash of fresh air was the ashram visit where the process of bringing in the new me had started. But won't say it was executed with an immediate effect. As they said, time is the answer to everything. I was just hanging in there. In fact there in i got into the habit of hanging in, comfortably. 

The surgery was the big one in the way of learning. There was fear, i mean physical fear of being cut. The spinal injection that scared the shit out of me was dangling every night in front of my closed eyes. I used to wake up with the dream that they are cutting the flesh of my skin and i can totally feel it as the anesthesia is not working on me. But i am trembling with the pain induced by the spinal injection. Then came the fear of finance, lack of enough money to get the surgery done, then came the fear of being alone during the surgery, fear of being senseless for the first time etc etc.. fear has no end, trust me. 

I felt no pain with the spinal injection, the doctor, his team and the world of medicine, i trusted them all. And there were room full of people, my family which is made of my lovely friends,my mother and sleep. I must not have slept so dearly ever in my life. Those 2 nights in the clinic was awesome. 

The  surgery happened and something had happened within me. Something had gone out from my system. Of course the dead tissue which was bothering my knee, but along with something more had gone and that was replaced by confidence and courage. Both mental and physical. I have still not gathered what happened actually. All i ever did during those times was trust in the fact that, this was a learning and all that's happening around me was for a reason. The reason was superb! What it made out of me was super indeed. 

Fear. It is the biggest roadblock to any kind of growth. They say it all boils down to the fear of death. Even if it is the silliest of fear like having stage fright, it is fear of death. Stage fright... I will fumble and stutter... people will think i am dumb... no one will love me... i will be alone... i wont be able to survive for myself... i wont get work.. i will die of starvation. I am not just rambling. Just put this idea to any fear of you have. It is eventually fear of death. Really, it is THAT easy. Just keep asking yourself "so what if". See where it leads you to. 

The day you overcome even an ounce of fear you have within you, even if it is one among the hundred fears you have, you will take a step towards growth. Towards the real you. The idea is to bring out the different kinds of fear that you have in yourself. Some you are aware of and some you are not. Can you imagine, you are behaving in a certain way or you have some strong belief in something which might be really off the track and you don't know it might be a result of a deep fear of something you don't even know you have. While on the other hand, letting go of fear is such a addictive game after a point. Yes, after a point, when you have actually seen the result, seen how it feels to be fearless, felt the strength in your nerves, veins, brain cells and energies, felt that whatever comes along, you'll handle it and not breakdown. And if the obstacles are still there, it means the learning has not come to an end and bow down to the energies gracefully. 

Krishnamurti, one of my favorite philosopher and teacher (He teaches me through his wisdom in form of videos and text till now, everyday), said something about fear which i feel like sharing here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AM_xR9JFYuU