Wednesday, August 24, 2011

13th June, 2:40 pm.

Sitting in the slab beside the small pond. Such a small quaint place... beautiful. It is called Nirkaya Sthanam. Noone is allowed to click pictures here, so i am sorry, even if i would love to share the space with you, i can't. May be there is a special logic to why this restriction... People outside the ashram or people who have not been to this place at all may not relate to what i am talking about. I totally get that.

Clouds passing by bringing small installments of rain. In couple of mins the sun will come out from behind the dark clouds. In front of me the Velangiri hills covered with clouds. little dark, considering it is an afternoon. Far off i see some people busy with some construction work... a lady walking along the feild, a small water snake passes by me playfully in the pond... some small kids from the Isha Vidhya school cheers by on their cycles...

But no sound, is anyone speaking? No... or i cant hear? or is it such a peaceful silence that i cant hear what they speak.. no one speaks... no one speaks if not required... That's learning number one...

The hills are quiet, there is a calmness in the blow of wind, all the faces are composed and quiet. But yes, they glow up with a warm bonding smile when required.

It has been 2 days now.
Day 1 was nice. Walked around the temples most of the time, sat at the Dhyanalinga, at the Nirkaya Sthanam,  sat and cried, sometimes in sadness, sometimes without knowing why. Looking at the vast calmness in front of me made me cry. Or may be all the hurt that has been accumulating in the heart is coming out finally in ONE last go. Hopefully.

Day 2 was a little different. Did the same things throughout the day, roamed around, cried, stared and smiled. After the usual volunteering work went to eat something at the canteen.

It started from a time when i was sitting at the canteen. It was a sunday and there were lot of visitors at Dhyanalinga. There were many couples, families, some mother feeding her child, some father buying food for his gang, some daughter holding hands of her parents... and it was overwhelming to see so much attachment all around me. Families, relatives, friends, loved ones... It was lovely...
Saw a beautiful tamil couple in their wedding clothes who came to take blessings at the Dhyanalinga. It brought a smile on my face and i didn't stop it. I was actually looking at all and enjoying.

The moment i started walking away from the canteen, more away i was from all those merrymaking, more alone i felt. I felt i had no body in this whole world and i don't have a family. There is no one who is waiting for me in this city called bombay which i call my home. Remembered mother's face. A sudden feeling of sadness gripped me and i kept walking looking down at the path. Just kept looking at my feet which are moving forward and had an urge to run back to mother. As if at that point of time someone came and reminded, family, bonds, attachments and maya... that's all there is. Nothing else. Run away suro..

Came back straight to my room. Sat for sometime, as i knew that's something i definitely don't want to do and  hence i need to throw that thought away. Felt horrible inside. Then did the strangest thing, which i never did before. Wrote down a list of things which is hate in myself. It all kind of came out in one go... some 39 points with 10 repetitions. Wow !! Well done, suromita.

Now the hills are fully covered with the white clouds. The rain is becoming a little heavy now. Let's see if i can sail through this rain or i need to run back to my room. But i wont stop writing till i have to run.

So back to my story... After i finished writing my list of things that i hate in myself, i felt extremely restless and i walked out of the room. I kept walking without any sense of direction and discovered this place for the first time. It was 3 pm and i sat here till 6:30 till it was dark and did the evening sadhana here. That 3 and half hours all i did was blanking out at the Vellangiris, clouds coming and going and crying in installments, again without knowing any definite reason. Oh the rain is really bad... i will stop writing for sometime. 2:55 pm.

2:59 pm, Ok... The idea was to cry and cry so much that the burden of sadness that's been created in this last few months will be gone and a new suro can take shape without any negativity, no conditioning of good and bad and have only empty innocence. That was not the agenda prepared before coming but became one in last 2 days... To become the new me... was the agenda now...

The sky... the calming wind... the beautiful hills... and the heart... all at peace... all are here..

Where are you going?


Majid Ali said...

Please help me for Christ sake

suromita said...

Tell me Majid, how can i help you? :)

Anonymous said...

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