Sunday, May 22, 2011

Now this one was a conscious decision to spend time at home.

It has been 4 days that i have been staying alone in the house after Ma and Baba left.
I finish work and head straight back home.
At times i am cancelling plans to be able to head home and spend some time with myself, my home.

The bedroom is the room of solace.
The big wide window opens to this small bit of forest (in my head) which keeps changing it's color everyday. Orange with flowers or green with the fresh leaves, also sometimes grey with some dry ones.
So far i am in the practice of understanding the fact that i am alone, yet again and this is my reality.
I didn't see it coming, not that even if i saw it coming i could have helped much.
But now that it is here let me fully acknowledge it with my mind and heart.

The best part of the house is it's walls and the floors. They are all white. I feel good about it. It gives such a peaceful energy that actually at times i take a tour around the rooms and feel the whiteness. It does something to the mind. It matches perfectly with the silence that surrounds me most of the time these days.

I have been somewhat loving this silence. The mind was buzzing with noises, opinions, worries, pressures, unhappiness and all of that. I haven't yet visualized myself with many people in this house. At least for sometime i think i am gonna be a little selfish and do whatever i feel like doing and only do things for myself.

Won't lie, i get scared sometimes. Fear grips me middle of the night and i start thinking what if something happens to me and i cant work, how am i going to survive or if i am in trouble whom should i call...
Good that they came and hence gave birth to new rules. New rules of staying alone.

  1. The mobile phone cannot be kept uncharged AT ALL. Meaning not even for a minute. Sometimes i do delay charging phone due to lack of plug points within the reach or plug points occupied. But no, this has to be a rule. Phone should always be charged.
  2. Medical insurance papers to be carried in my purse.
  3. Whom to call during trouble and his/her number to be in the first numbers on my phone list.
  4. Last and most important and kind of sums all up. Following the discipline of the daily life. This is the toughest because it is easiest to break and no one is there to check on me anymore. Eat and Exercise correctly and do it on Time. Period! This one actually takes care of most of all the little insecurities of the mind. Its a big job and i think i am actually busy most of the time trying to set it for myself and get into the system. Still have not got into doing it correctly so far. But i am working at it.
The other day while explaining to my mother i realized it more. I don't know what all i was preoccupied with so far. And i am hugely responsible for this. I have never loved myself. I have never looked after myself, never paid attention to my body or nurtured my mind. Never realized that loving and looking after yourself also requires a minimum amount of discipline and that is the basis of life. That discipline of the daily life is the basis of spirituality.
What's the point of reading so many books or practicing good thoughts or trying to understand the true meaning of life's journey or talk about spirituality when my own body and mind are not in sync.

And here now i have all the time of my life, no diversions, no distractions. Life has given me a chance to look after myself, foster my mind and take care of my body. Only 34 years has gone by... Much of this lifetime's journey is left.

"It is very rare or almost impossible that an event can be negative from all points of view." ~ Dalai Lama

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