13th June, 2:40 pm.

Sitting in the slab beside the small pond. Such a small quaint place... beautiful. It is called Nirkaya Sthanam. Noone is allowed to click pictures here, so i am sorry, even if i would love to share the space with you, i can't. May be there is a special logic to why this restriction... People outside the ashram or people who have not been to this place at all may not relate to what i am talking about. I totally get that.

Clouds passing by bringing small installments of rain. In couple of mins the sun will come out from behind the dark clouds. In front of me the Velangiri hills covered with clouds. little dark, considering it is an afternoon. Far off i see some people busy with some construction work... a lady walking along the feild, a small water snake passes by me playfully in the pond... some small kids from the Isha Vidhya school cheers by on their cycles...

But no sound, is anyone speaking? No... or i cant hear? or is it such a peaceful silence that i cant hear what they speak.. no one speaks... no one speaks if not required... That's learning number one...

The hills are quiet, there is a calmness in the blow of wind, all the faces are composed and quiet. But yes, they glow up with a warm bonding smile when required.

It has been 2 days now.
Day 1 was nice. Walked around the temples most of the time, sat at the Dhyanalinga, at the Nirkaya Sthanam,  sat and cried, sometimes in sadness, sometimes without knowing why. Looking at the vast calmness in front of me made me cry. Or may be all the hurt that has been accumulating in the heart is coming out finally in ONE last go. Hopefully.

Day 2 was a little different. Did the same things throughout the day, roamed around, cried, stared and smiled. After the usual volunteering work went to eat something at the canteen.

It started from a time when i was sitting at the canteen. It was a sunday and there were lot of visitors at Dhyanalinga. There were many couples, families, some mother feeding her child, some father buying food for his gang, some daughter holding hands of her parents... and it was overwhelming to see so much attachment all around me. Families, relatives, friends, loved ones... It was lovely...
Saw a beautiful tamil couple in their wedding clothes who came to take blessings at the Dhyanalinga. It brought a smile on my face and i didn't stop it. I was actually looking at all and enjoying.

The moment i started walking away from the canteen, more away i was from all those merrymaking, more alone i felt. I felt i had no body in this whole world and i don't have a family. There is no one who is waiting for me in this city called bombay which i call my home. Remembered mother's face. A sudden feeling of sadness gripped me and i kept walking looking down at the path. Just kept looking at my feet which are moving forward and had an urge to run back to mother. As if at that point of time someone came and reminded, family, bonds, attachments and maya... that's all there is. Nothing else. Run away suro..

Came back straight to my room. Sat for sometime, as i knew that's something i definitely don't want to do and  hence i need to throw that thought away. Felt horrible inside. Then did the strangest thing, which i never did before. Wrote down a list of things which is hate in myself. It all kind of came out in one go... some 39 points with 10 repetitions. Wow !! Well done, suromita.

Now the hills are fully covered with the white clouds. The rain is becoming a little heavy now. Let's see if i can sail through this rain or i need to run back to my room. But i wont stop writing till i have to run.

So back to my story... After i finished writing my list of things that i hate in myself, i felt extremely restless and i walked out of the room. I kept walking without any sense of direction and discovered this place for the first time. It was 3 pm and i sat here till 6:30 till it was dark and did the evening sadhana here. That 3 and half hours all i did was blanking out at the Vellangiris, clouds coming and going and crying in installments, again without knowing any definite reason. Oh the rain is really bad... i will stop writing for sometime. 2:55 pm.

2:59 pm, Ok... The idea was to cry and cry so much that the burden of sadness that's been created in this last few months will be gone and a new suro can take shape without any negativity, no conditioning of good and bad and have only empty innocence. That was not the agenda prepared before coming but became one in last 2 days... To become the new me... was the agenda now...

The sky... the calming wind... the beautiful hills... and the heart... all at peace... all are here..

Where are you going?

It is so amazing how your mind and soul responds to the rains. The mind reminds you to carry raincoat, umbrella, be ready and the soul wants to get wet, get madly drenched and laugh and cry in the rains.

The first day it rained in my city, i stood for auto for 4o mins with a smile on my face.
There is some kind of romance you feel with the rains. You are alone but you feel romantic, you don't need anyone, you just feel complete. I never thought i am capable of feeling romantic in the middle of the road at the Chakala signal surrounded by traffic.
Rain does that to you.

Have been occupied in creating the world, the new world, the world of my own.
Gopi said, "you are gonna change as a human being, suro?".
And i smile...
Wanting to change my lifestyle is already being in the process of the change. I have put a routine around my life. So far have been able to follow it. For someone like me it is a deal. Cos the rules did not know me till 6 months back.

Have been smiling without reason these days.
Will be leaving for the ashram day after.
The mind is tricking me with thoughts like, will the knee be ok, staying safely in the dorm, sleeping on the floor, walking to the mandirs, heat, rain, etc etc.
Somehow im ready these days. All the time. For what, i don't know.
It's like the rainy days.
I always leave the house prepared with the raincoat, extra pair of clothes, umbrella and food and gym bag.
Feels like the soul is also ready for the worst, all the time.
What is the next resistance coming up... how much more is left...

I am looking forward to it. To visit the new me and the new world and the new resistance :)
Bring it on...

Ever wonder how every action and non action of ours is dependent on somebody else who even might not be even remotely connected to us.
Somewhere there is this invisible string which is connecting all the souls, close and far, and how we all are connected and we are influential in each others lives.
How the life of others, known or unknown are so deeply connected to our destiny we are not even aware of it.
Like someone else at some point of time did something and hence my action or non action was decided. Always.
More i think about it i get evidences.

And that gives birth to relationships. How we all are related. Even if you dont have a family, you are related. Even of you are alone, you are related. And that is not by our choice, is not in our hands or rather we are even unaware to whom we are related to till what point of time.

From our part, all we can do is be truthful and genuine to ourselves.
That is it.
Period.
And when your mind is covered with the clouds of doubt, know that your goodness will come for rescue someday.

After a long long time i am feeling lighter, steadier and peaceful. It is a feeling of surety. 

Life again came and assured me that goodness of heart finally wins, sooner or later. 

The sky above me is getting clearer. I can see the tinge of blue... And i am smiling.
Goodness... I trust you.

Now this one was a conscious decision to spend time at home.

It has been 4 days that i have been staying alone in the house after Ma and Baba left.
I finish work and head straight back home.
At times i am cancelling plans to be able to head home and spend some time with myself, my home.

The bedroom is the room of solace.
The big wide window opens to this small bit of forest (in my head) which keeps changing it's color everyday. Orange with flowers or green with the fresh leaves, also sometimes grey with some dry ones.
So far i am in the practice of understanding the fact that i am alone, yet again and this is my reality.
I didn't see it coming, not that even if i saw it coming i could have helped much.
But now that it is here let me fully acknowledge it with my mind and heart.

The best part of the house is it's walls and the floors. They are all white. I feel good about it. It gives such a peaceful energy that actually at times i take a tour around the rooms and feel the whiteness. It does something to the mind. It matches perfectly with the silence that surrounds me most of the time these days.

I have been somewhat loving this silence. The mind was buzzing with noises, opinions, worries, pressures, unhappiness and all of that. I haven't yet visualized myself with many people in this house. At least for sometime i think i am gonna be a little selfish and do whatever i feel like doing and only do things for myself.

Won't lie, i get scared sometimes. Fear grips me middle of the night and i start thinking what if something happens to me and i cant work, how am i going to survive or if i am in trouble whom should i call...
Good that they came and hence gave birth to new rules. New rules of staying alone.

1. The mobile phone cannot be kept uncharged AT ALL. Meaning not even for a minute. Sometimes i do delay charging phone due to lack of plug points within the reach or plug points occupied. But no, this has to be a rule. Phone should always be charged.
2. Medical insurance papers to be carried in my purse.
3. Whom to call during trouble and his/her number to be in the first numbers on my phone list.
4. Last and most important and kind of sums all up. Following the discipline of the daily life. This is the toughest because it is easiest to break and no one is there to check on me anymore. Eat and Exercise correctly and do it on Time. Period! This one actually takes care of most of all the little insecurities of the mind. Its a big job and i think i am actually busy most of the time trying to set it for myself and get into the system. Still have not got into doing it correctly so far. But i am working at it.

The other day while explaining to my mother i realized it more. I don't know what all i was preoccupied with so far. And i am hugely responsible for this. I have never loved myself. I have never looked after myself, never paid attention to my body or nurtured my mind. Never realized that loving and looking after yourself also requires a minimum amount of discipline and that is the basis of life. That discipline of the daily life is the basis of spirituality.
What's the point of reading so many books or practicing good thoughts or trying to understand the true meaning of life's journey or talk about spirituality when my own body and mind are not in sync.

And here now i have all the time of my life, no diversions, no distractions. Life has given me a chance to look after myself, foster my mind and take care of my body. Only 34 years has gone by... Much of this lifetime's journey is left.



"It is very rare or almost impossible that an event can be negative from all points of view." ~ Dalai Lama

Opening the door with the keys and stepped into my new world. Around 10 pm and the feeling in my mind is the night is about to start. Why the night, my whole life is about to start now onwards. Staying alone...


Ever wondered how the universe keeps all of us busy with it's random changes? Before you finally settle into one state and you are just about to be comfortable with it, it changes. Broom!


Till i got married i never felt the existence of staying alone, though i stayed alone for almost 8 years. At the back of my head there was a small possibility of spending a life with someone else, considering the normal demands of life. Not that i was sure about it but neither this thought let me think that the my whole life is going to be spent all by myself.


Last night when i walked into my small white walled 2 room flat, i felt this old nostalgic feeling that actually there is no one who's gonna be around to see or know where i am and what i am up to. And now this arrangement is going to be for life... at least for now, so it looks like...


The feeling is still sinking in and the mind is yet to be fully aware of this state. It will, with time.


The thoughts actually flowed like a smooth zoom out shot where it started from the thought that i am alone in this room and outside the bedroom door there is nobody there. Zoomed out from the room to the building to andheri west and gradually to the whole emptiness of the universe. There is nobody there and there wont be anybody.


My reality at this point of time is myself alone in this room which is somewhere in the middle of an infinite space. And this is it.


Just a thought. And that thought somehow made be a little settled in my head. I see a ray of white light coming through my window and lighting up my room. This is my only reality, right now. I will live in this.






"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be. " Ellen Burstyn

High tide and low tide..

Well, after a long time a much deserved break in my head...
The mother of gods project has been settling a little bit and things are a little less chaotic than before. It is a good feeling or am i thinking it is going to be good... I don't know honestly.

Yesterday at home i was feeling like i am in the middle of a household, a normal household with mom shouting " fix the cylinder, the food is half cooked" and Dad happily playing the harmonium and singing. It felt like home. After a long time. Today i know i will be going back home to Ma and baba, they are waiting for me. It is such a good feeling i didn't know till i started missing it. And after knowing that this is not going to be forever... And now there will be nobody waiting for me at home.

Life will go on and we will all settle with what's available to us and be happy with it. We all do that eventually. Don't we? Shouting and screaming and crying all in vain. Nothing is in your control. You feel like a puppet at times where some invisible hands are controlling the imaginary strings and making you dance.

What's next now?

Is the sky a little quieter today?

I feel a comforting stillness in the air and the sky looks calmer. Is it all in my head or is it really like that?

Last 2 days with ma has been a little draining. I know there has to be an outlet for her also. So we both have been either talking and ranting over the same things for the 100th number of times or we both are quietly looking at the wide patch of sky from our bedroom window.

This has to stop. There has to be change. A good change. A fun change.

Fun, happiness, peace, as if i have forgotten how to feel them. It is like how it feels when you are trying to sing after a long time without practicing. When there is a little touch of calmness my mind wonders, is it really? or something big is coming up. But why am i forgetting, life can be this, actually calm at some point of time. And life can be fun, happy.

These days i feel as if i have a disease. Since October i am reeling under this disease. Almost like it is contagious and i am left alone in this small room in my mind.

Rest of the world outside this room looks normal, only in this room something has changed, something has stopped... As if i cant be normal, cant smile, pretend to smile, given an option i will keep sitting in this dark room forever.

This has to change and i have to change it. I have to.

Energies.... Come to me...

a toast to friendship

It was the usual long and boring production and creative meeting. All through i scribbled my home address in Kolkata, as usual. Very strangely whenever i scribble, i end up scribbling my address in Kolkata. 162/45 Lake Gardens. Did i really miss it? May be there is an explanation to that in my subconscious mind, i don't know. Do i miss the concept of home? I have had 10-11 homes in Delhi / Mumbai and Bangalore in last 11 years. May be i will keep scribbling this till the end of my life.

So thankfully came out of the meeting and was again called back to be presented with another mother-of-gods project. With international clients, meaning my nights are gonna turn into days keeping the days as they are. Totally gratified.

Came back to my desk post that and looked in to my notebook. In my head i have already started feeling restless, as if there were lots left to do and understand. In the middle of all this i found this written just a page after my stupid scribbling.

You are a wonderful woman, with a heart of an angel and the soul of a butterfly.
Roam free and let the world shine with color and happiness to see you burst through the doors of dilemma...

It is yours, suromita, the world.
It has your name imprinted on its every page.
You are here to participate in life and lif will eventually learn to understand our paths.

We have but one life, one heart and one chance.
Celebrate who you are suromita.
Celebrate your heart, your soul and mind.
Let yourself fly out into the world unafraid and beautiful, suromita, my butterfly...

Please let us know who you are...
we are a deprived world.

I knew instantly who it was. There are not many people in this world who think like this about me. And there is none in my office except my oldest friend in this city... Keya...

She said in her usual matter of fact way, she was killing time filling up the page as internet is slow as everyone is watching cricket.

I have heard a Nigerian proverb once... They say, hold your true friends with both your hands.

I don't know whether i ever did that or not, but i have a number of people in my life who hold me not only with both their hands but also with their heart...

This was Keya and one of her many ways to show her love for me. And the rest of you, you have all your own ways to let me know that you are there. Some show and some don’t.

I have been meaning to tell you all... Ayesha (Dipu), Bird (Prachi), Boga, Dhiman, Gopi (Kalyani), Keya, Loveena and Sanghamitra...

At this point of time life would have been dark and hard without you all. The way you guys make me feel is something i needed the most. Especially at this time when the mind was full of fear, doubts, darkness and despair.

Honestly, when I look forward to a good time in future, I see you guys there with me merrymaking on each other’s happiness. We will fight, cry and smile again. We have already done that with each other several times... haven't we? :)

Here is to all of you… To our friendship...

After almost 11 years of leaving home; see what I have got!!!

A family in my heart. My family... My friends...

"Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
Kahlil Gibran"

P.S - Hope no one reacts to the list of names. It is in alphabetical order and ones in brackets are the better halves who mean no less to me.

At the end, randomness doesn't need any explanation.

But really, sadness can come and grip you anytime!! really.
Suddenly amidst your controlled and still mind, some thought or some visual or sound or a phone call can inject a shot of sadness suddenly. Time span of that is same as the pain of an injection. A rush of tears and mind stops working and the miserable feeling for few secs and then gone. Something else takes over. The logical mind.

Enough... How long can you be this unhappy? Let it go. Time has come to move on to the next phase. This is a transition. Enjoy it. Bring back that smile on your face which used to come effortlessly looking at the rays of the sun from inside of the auto on your way to office.

Lightness... Come, embrace me...

life begins at 34

Today is the 5^th day in a row that I am looking for a house. 

Can you believe it, I haven’t come across a single house which meets my basic requirements and is within my budget. 

Yari road was never like this. Why is it suddenly behaving so unfriendly? 

This house is going to be really special to me. Cause I am going to start living the most significant time of my life. 

A new life at 34.

Someone told me, everything is designed for the growth of the soul. 

I don’t know if I have an option but to believe it. At least it sounds positive. 

These days my idea of reasons and coincidences and karma are all muddled up. 

At one point of time I used to sound confident about reasoning other people’s grief or situations. 

I don’t know where those inner voices have disappeared. 

It’s just blank. Every morning I wake up with this half hearted feeling of living the day. 

As if I am going to be spending the day with the small amount of energy left and I would wish for it to get over throughout the day. 

Why so much grief? 

Why is this sick feeling down the throat and a throbbing pain in the left side of the head? 

Do people fall sick in depression and being sad? 

Like physically sick?

your and mine...

Letter 1:

Now that you are gone, here I go with my sentimental journals on my love and my immediate family which consists with you you and only you... Was wondering the other day... It's amazing how much you can learn about someone you thought you already knew so well. I faced this just after I started spending my uninterrupted days with you post your short trips. I always thought marriage was a scary thing. Now when I look back I think it’s quite nice actually. I am responsible for another human being. One evening you put yourself into my hands. Even I gave myself to you... All this while I was one person who never got effected by people around me so much ...but now... you have the power to disappoint, hurt, frustrate and make me angry. Even I do have that power on you.. Which I will likely do repeatedly in our time together. I will stumble over myself, make mistakes and apologize. But you know this and you gave yourself to me just the same.

Then we kept on moving forward, learning, laughing and loving the whole way and we will...

Now we are learning to live a life shared and I love it!

Let’s flow with our lives... Knowing there will be bad days and then there will be good days and we will survive through every moment of hardship.

I know you are not in a good frame of mind. And I can at least try to imagine how difficult things can be for someone who has left his family, home, relatives, friends and the friendly surrounding and gone to some other country all alone and have to work on a profile not so enjoyable..

So here is a small step to bring a smile on your face... Much like the way you bring a smile on my face with the small sweet things you do for me...

Hold on to the faith you have on yourself... Life will be kind.

I love you...

Letter 2:

Attached is the a list of the miniscule number of furniture we had.
Have written our names which should go with whom. 
This seems fair to me. If you have any problem, let me know. 

I won’t be comfortable talking about this in person. 
Hence I mailed. 
Hope you are ok with it... 

Rows and rows of words, words of love, anger, affection, hurt… and time passes in its own speed of zen. These just reminds once again that they never do justice… words.

The different stages of Grief…

Do you know the word grief comes from the word grave? I didn’t, until today when I thought of writing about something, which has been in my mind predominantly for last 5 months.

I always thought grief is only an emotional response to any kind of failure.

But when it hit me, I realized it has many more dimensions to it. While coming back from office last night I was thinking in last 5 months I have gone through such different stages and mood swings that surprised me.

While reading about what people go through when they are in similar situation, I realized a BIG thing. I am not alone. Every soul in my kind of situation goes through this, in the same way, through the different stages. Until I read that, I seriously thought I was the only one in this world who’s going through this bizarre range of emotions. I remembered the dialogue in “P.S. I love you”, “thing to remember is if we are all alone, then we are all together in that too”. Though the film didn’t do much to me but this dialogue did the needful.

Coming back to the stages, to my surprise I found out there is something called a grief cycle which was introduced by Elisabeth Kubler Ross in one of her book in 1969. My god! None of us are any different from each other, are we?

The first reaction was denial. Yes it was. Is it really happening to me? It was just yesterday when everything was fine. A happy me, laughing at everything and anything and at times at nothing. I knew there were issues but the issues never took over the rest of my brains which was smiling all the time. I can’t help it, laughing is one of my thick habits. I knew there will be rainy days but I always thought I have stored enough laughter to sail through it. So there. In a fraction of a sec I saw my happy and secured life just slide through my hand and I kept looking at it in denial. Take it from me, crying, screaming, shouting doesn’t help. It just doesn’t. Not that I know what helps. And hence I was doing all those things which didn’t help. And yes, drink. Drink as if there is no tomorrow. There wasn’t actually.

Then came the phase of anger. Why me? What have I done to deserve this? I have never done anything wrong to anybody or hurt anyone with a conscious brain? Why me? Where did I go wrong? There was no answer from within. There was this heartfelt disgust for the soul who has put me into this trap and i just can’t break it and set free. Coz, it was not just my past 5 years which was scrutinized and criticized, it was 34 years of me, my values, my outlook and my identity that was questioned. Who gave you this right? Who are you?

3 months passed with these 2 killer emotions. I needed space. I needed to breathe. The suromita who mostly stays in the shadows told me. Look within, you will find an answer. There started introspection. Oh! I might not have been too attentive, I might have gone wrong there, I might have given more time in laughing and smiling that everything is fine rather than sticking to the issue and killing it till the time it stops moving. There you go… hence, bargaining started… ok, this is what I think went wrong from my part, what about you? Mind it, this state also throws you in the deep dark well of guilt. You might not be able to come out of it in days… and sometimes you see a little ray of sun cutting in the darkness.

May be this is a part which may result in some promising rewards. In my case, it didn’t. And hence followed the obvious, depression. Much in my misery came along a space to stay, which was once upon a time called home, which is away from familiarity, friends and fun. Not that having fun was any easier. Nothing worked. Heavy work pressure, drinking, not drinking, watching movies, listening to music, forceful laughter and half hearted chats with friends, nothing helped. Have you ever closed both your ears and heard the sound of that silence? It has an uninterrupted and bottomless effect to it. It sounds like something is burning somewhere. As if you are standing in front of a burning pyre with something in it. This time it was my soul. That sound stayed with me… still. It just refuses to go.

Past few days I have a new agreement in my head. Yes, here I am, catastrophe has set in. I have reacted with full heart, mind and body. My soul is bruised and tired and I have reached rock bottom. And that’s that. Now how worse can it get from here? It can only get better. Reactions will keep coming time and again; maybe even this is also a kind of reaction. The sound of the burning soul has also not left me. It comes back as moments of despair. It comes and attacks me at the weak moments. I have seen a pattern even there. Just after waking up in the mornings, just when the day’s work finishes and I shift gear from work to home, when I feel like touching base with my “family” which includes a breaking one…. I am attacked by despair, gloom and a feeling of several holes in my heart.

There are moments when I see my life reviving and taking off to the clear blue sky and rest there are days like this, when hopelessness grips and tears me apart.

Today I was a little at ease with myself thinking that I am being able to write about it and it almost feels like I am at the last stage. Though I am quite unsure how long this last stage is going to continue and what’s next after this…

Whatever there is in store for me, I have learnt the world doesn’t stop for you to grief. So one has to move on. But having said that, I remembered something I heard long time back and I truly believe in.

“There is no shame in holding on to grief as long you make room for other things too”.